A diary entry

It has been a very long week with days which were much too short.
There was never enough time for myself but I also did not want to spend time with myself. What was I supposed to do for myself anyway? Eating which was impossible with my stressed stomach? Yoga, which was impossible since the breathing techniques felt like suffocating? Watching TV which was useless, since I could not concentrate on what I was watching. Sleeping — just to have a hard time falling asleep and then waking up from nightmares?!

I did the laundry, fed the fish, fed the birds, vacuum cleaned like crazy, did another laundry, tried to top up the water in the reef tank — something I never have done before — fed the birds again, let them out, played with them, cut their nails, cut them too short, bleeding, cornstarch on the claws, panic, crying again, sitting down, crying. What am I doing? Vacuum cleaning up the cornstarch. Folding the laundry, making the bed (for whom?).

I have never felt so overwhelmed, efficient and useless at the same time. I am a German machine of responsibilities who calls and writes and checks and reaffirms. I appreciate that everybody offers their help and at the end of the day no one can help.

“Can I help you?”

— “Can you go to work for me, so I can rest a bit more from the shock?
Can you write the assignments for University for me since I do not want to fall behind but I cannot read right now since nothing makes sense.
Can you come home and take care of the household for me so I can…